Week 1
A few weeks ago I began to admit to myself that I look at my phone too much, for no reason at all. I started to think of ways I could stop, and after trying a few things without success, I realized I needed to go a little further. I decided I would delete my social media apps (I also deleted all games and time-consuming apps), and that I would upload the apps over the weekend, starting Friday night once the kids were already in bed and deleting them once again Sunday night. It's not necessarily that I think social media should be confined to the weekend, just that it's an easy way for me to set boundaries for when I will use it, and also so that I can get used to not always having instagram to hop onto whenever my brain has a second to break. This way I will be able to continue documenting my pictures and check in with friends, but I'm still practicing self control with my phone usage. Keep in mind, even during these weekend days, I am making an effort to not even touch my phone in front of my kids, especially in places like the park, during games, and I also try to leave it in my bag during church and other activities. Basically if I have the chance to interact with other humans (haha), my phone does not come out.
I do not think that social media is all bad, in fact, in the past I have felt like I balanced it well. Social media, for me, is a creative outlet. I love taking and editing pictures, and I love to share them too. Next, relationships are the most important thing in my life. If you've ever taken the Color Code Test then you'll know what it means when I tell you that I am Blue. Blues thrive by making connections with people and cultivating relationships. Ive decided those are the two major reasons I like social media.
I wanted to dig deeper though. Were there reasons I like social media that I was consciously unaware of? I think yes. Ive decided to acknowledge the fact that I need approval. I think part of the reason I post to social media is to get approval from others that how I'm living my life is good. Why do I need that approval from social media? I'm not totally sure on that one, but I do know its a fast and easy way to get it. Is it bad to need approval? I don't think it's all bad, but I do think I need to make sure I can be confident with myself and my choices and know that what I'm doing is acceptable to MYSELF, without always needing approval and affirmation.
So, what have I learned this first week without having social media apps to take up my time? First and foremost, I'm an addict. There have been times where I think I felt deep down that I am addicted to my phone, but I would either convince myself otherwise or tell myself that it was okay. I realized quickly though that my fingers automatically go to social media when I am either bored or stressed. The first day that I deleted the apps, I counted about 10 times throughout the day where I was going to press on the instagram app for absolutely no reason at all, just out of habit. There were countless other times that I thought about wanting to get on instagram, but at least I had realized it first, without my body just going there without realization.
As the days have gone on, I have noticed that when I am upset about something or stressed about something, I also automatically go to press on instagram. It took a bit for me to realize it was happening, but it definitely was. Wether it was my kids talking back to me and making me upset, or other more serious stresses, I found myself wanting to go to instagram to calm down. That realization really bothers me. Why am I turning to instagram? What is it about instagram that makes me feel like I can calm down there? Does mindless scrolling do any good for me when I am upset? I'm not sure, but I do know that I would like to find better ways to ease my mood.
Something else I have discovered over the week, is that motherhood is lonely. I think this is the first thing that drew me towards instagram. Being at home all day with kids can be lonely, and not being able to have adult interaction during the day is hard. I bought my first smartphone just a few weeks before my second child was born. It's ironic, because, with my first child, I actually struggled quite a bit with being a stay at home mother. There are lots of factors for that, I think. One being just the fact that it was the first transition for me from living my own life, to now being home taking care of someone else. I had also been in school during the first year of my child's life, and the contrast between socializing at school and being home with an infant was more apparent.
I have always had very fond memories of the short time period of having two children. The time of my life where I started being home solely as a mother. It was a time in my life where I sometimes even refer to it as my "favorite so far". Life just felt very easy and fun. My husband and I had both just finished our undergrads, my husband had started a job and was making pretty good money. Stresses were few and far between. But now I'm also wondering if something else helped me to feel happier in my role as a mother... my smartphone? Was being able to connect with friends during the day, and getting approval and being cheered on by other moms, doing the same thing, helping me to enjoy motherhood more? Probably. Likely.
So, when did I take it too far? When did my smartphone go from making me more happy, to making me unable to control my body and being addicted to scrolling? And what I'm really wanting to discover with this experiment is, can I find the place where I can enjoy these social apps without being addicted? Right now, I am not sure. I hope so.
I do not think that social media is all bad, in fact, in the past I have felt like I balanced it well. Social media, for me, is a creative outlet. I love taking and editing pictures, and I love to share them too. Next, relationships are the most important thing in my life. If you've ever taken the Color Code Test then you'll know what it means when I tell you that I am Blue. Blues thrive by making connections with people and cultivating relationships. Ive decided those are the two major reasons I like social media.
I wanted to dig deeper though. Were there reasons I like social media that I was consciously unaware of? I think yes. Ive decided to acknowledge the fact that I need approval. I think part of the reason I post to social media is to get approval from others that how I'm living my life is good. Why do I need that approval from social media? I'm not totally sure on that one, but I do know its a fast and easy way to get it. Is it bad to need approval? I don't think it's all bad, but I do think I need to make sure I can be confident with myself and my choices and know that what I'm doing is acceptable to MYSELF, without always needing approval and affirmation.
So, what have I learned this first week without having social media apps to take up my time? First and foremost, I'm an addict. There have been times where I think I felt deep down that I am addicted to my phone, but I would either convince myself otherwise or tell myself that it was okay. I realized quickly though that my fingers automatically go to social media when I am either bored or stressed. The first day that I deleted the apps, I counted about 10 times throughout the day where I was going to press on the instagram app for absolutely no reason at all, just out of habit. There were countless other times that I thought about wanting to get on instagram, but at least I had realized it first, without my body just going there without realization.
As the days have gone on, I have noticed that when I am upset about something or stressed about something, I also automatically go to press on instagram. It took a bit for me to realize it was happening, but it definitely was. Wether it was my kids talking back to me and making me upset, or other more serious stresses, I found myself wanting to go to instagram to calm down. That realization really bothers me. Why am I turning to instagram? What is it about instagram that makes me feel like I can calm down there? Does mindless scrolling do any good for me when I am upset? I'm not sure, but I do know that I would like to find better ways to ease my mood.
Something else I have discovered over the week, is that motherhood is lonely. I think this is the first thing that drew me towards instagram. Being at home all day with kids can be lonely, and not being able to have adult interaction during the day is hard. I bought my first smartphone just a few weeks before my second child was born. It's ironic, because, with my first child, I actually struggled quite a bit with being a stay at home mother. There are lots of factors for that, I think. One being just the fact that it was the first transition for me from living my own life, to now being home taking care of someone else. I had also been in school during the first year of my child's life, and the contrast between socializing at school and being home with an infant was more apparent.
I have always had very fond memories of the short time period of having two children. The time of my life where I started being home solely as a mother. It was a time in my life where I sometimes even refer to it as my "favorite so far". Life just felt very easy and fun. My husband and I had both just finished our undergrads, my husband had started a job and was making pretty good money. Stresses were few and far between. But now I'm also wondering if something else helped me to feel happier in my role as a mother... my smartphone? Was being able to connect with friends during the day, and getting approval and being cheered on by other moms, doing the same thing, helping me to enjoy motherhood more? Probably. Likely.
So, when did I take it too far? When did my smartphone go from making me more happy, to making me unable to control my body and being addicted to scrolling? And what I'm really wanting to discover with this experiment is, can I find the place where I can enjoy these social apps without being addicted? Right now, I am not sure. I hope so.
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